The Brood: Now with 100% Less Cronenberg!

The BroodStudio Pinhead #1: Say, that crazy Cronenberg character is big these days. How can we get ourselves a Cronenberg type picture without actually hiring Cronenberg?
Studio Pinhead #2: Yeah, he works cheap, but he kinda freaks me out. Canadians are supposed to be harmless, but I wouldn’t want to be alone with that guy. There’s something behind the eyes…
Development Weasel: Well, we’ve got this treatment here for a remake of The Brood, how about that?
Studio Pinhead #2: Which one is that? Is that the one where the girl grows a second vagina with the blood drinking penis that comes out of it? Or is it the one with the guy who snorts bug powder and talks to cockroaches and whatnot?
Development Weasel: No, I think this is the one with the evil midgets.
Studio Pinhead #1: Right. Midgets. I like it. I wonder if we could get them to work for half price. Tell Margaret to get whatsisname’s agent on the phone. You know. The little guy with the trains. Dinklage. Get Dinklage’s agent on the phone. Chop-chop.
Studio Pinhead #2: If we can’t get Dinklage, maybe that Webster kid is still working. Whatsisname? Gary Coleman?
Studio Pinhead #1: No, you mean Emanuel Lewis. Remind me to tell you the story some time about me, Emanuel Lewis, Gavin MacLeod, two hookers and a half kilo of blow. It’s a riot. You’ll love it. Listen, maybe we should forget about the midgets and go with monkeys with jet packs and laser rifles.
Studio Pinhead #2: Wait, what about the one with the exploding heads? Can we do that one?
Development Weasel: Scanners. Sorry, no. Someone already beat us to it.
Studio Pinhead #2: Damnit. The one that got away.

Variety reports on the remake of The Brood.

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8 thoughts on “The Brood: Now with 100% Less Cronenberg!

  1. I’m back. They can have Scanners, I never really cared for that one anyway, it doesn’t resonate like some of the other films do, and its a little slow.

    The Brood is another matter, and it has images that I know the remake will be too chicken shit to deal with. I think its one of Cronenberg’s best films, and the first intensely poignant movie he made. It doesn’t pull at the heartstrings in a more straighforward way like The Fly of The Dead Zone, but that final image always really moved me. I think The Brood is one of the most subversive in the Cronenberg canon, and that’s saying something.

  2. I admit I have a soft spot for Scanners simply because I think it was my first exposure to Cronenberg. Much like with Halloween I didn’t actually see the movie until later on cable and video, but I vividly recall being regaled with stories by my older brother. That kind of stuff sticks with you.

    I’m automatically skeptical of remakes, it’s a kneejerk reaction I admit, but with a director like Cronenberg it’s easy to imagine they’re going to miss the whole point of what makes one of his movies great.

    You can remake a Cronenberg film, but you can’t remake Cronenberg.

  3. This is one where I’m going to come out against it ahead of time. If they had any filmmaking insight they’d hire a female director but there aren’t very many of those working in horror so instead it’ll be someone who works well with Ryan Reynolds and Sarah Michelle Gellar.

  4. And so it goes. As long as Cronenberg gets paid, that’s really all I care about. The guy deserves to make some money off an idea as stupid and pointless as this.

  5. To the suits, it’s just another idea to plunder and insert evil killer kids. To quote Artie from The Larry Sanders Show, “For executuves, creativity is just an accounting problem.”

  6. It’s always the men in suits stinking the joint up, isn’t it? All the more remarkable that art actually does manage to come from Hollywood. Most of it is crap, but there have always been exceptions for as long as there have been movies.

    And frankly, I’m kind of glad for bald cash grabs like remakes because they’re so obvious and easily avoided.

    And by the way, thanks for dropping by the ol’ blog.

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