It’s a slow weekend in theaters.
In wide release:
- The Invisible: High school sensitive guy Justin Chatwin is savagely attacked by a street gang for his participation in Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2. Unfortunately he doesn’t die, but is left in some kind of crazy supernatural limbo and he must find his body before… before… well, before I don’t know what – something really bad no doubt. I’m glad this one is finally in theaters because I’ve seen the trailer like 8749 times and I’m sick to f’ing death of it.
- The Condemned: “Stone Cold” Steve Austin stars in this Running Man ripoff as an inmate plucked from death row and transported to a deserted island where he will fight to the death against nine other condemned criminals, hence the title – get it? The resulting battle will be broadcast over The Internets by an evil TV producer with the winner to be set free. My money is on either Mary Ann or the Skipper. Mrs. Howell could be a sleeper pick though. They call her “Lovey”, but I’m telling you she’s a wildcat.
- Kickin’ it Old School: Break-dancer Jamie Kennedy emerges from a 20 year coma and it’s funny because people have changed and things are different and stuff.
- Next: Apparently Nicolas Cage is working overtime to fulfill that pact he made with the devil because here he is in another movie. This time he can see into the future. FBI Agent Julianne Moore would like to use Nic’s skills to keep Los Angeles from being nuked. Me? I’d just like to see him stop himself from starring in National Treasure 2.
In limited release:
- Stephanie Daley: Amber Tamblyn stars in this drama as the titular 16 year old. When Stephanie collapses in a pool of blood and her newborn baby is found dead in a nearby bathroom, she is charged with murder. She claims she didn’t know she was pregnant and that the baby was stillborn. Tilda Swinton plays the court-appointed psychologist with issues of her own. There’s no way to slice this one in a snarky or funny way so I won’t even try.
- Snow Cake: Alan Rickman is an ex-convict/drifter who is drawn into a small Ontario town where, as the result of a car accident, he forms an unlikely trio with resident autistic Sigourney Weaver and sexy neighbor Carrie-Anne Moss. Doesn’t sound like the kind of movie that can be adequately summed up in a blurb.
- Diggers: First there was Boogie Nights, the story of the porn industry in the 70s. Now here’s Diggers, the story of… clam diggers in the 70s? The scene: The Hamptons before it was a vacation hot spot. Two generations of clam-diggers face the destruction of their way of life as wealthy land developers begin to move in. Paul Rudd, Maura Tierney, Ron Eldard and Lauren Ambrose star in this ensemble drama.
- Jindabyne: Gabriel Byrne and Laura Linney star in this Australian drama taken from a Raymond Carver short story about a group of fishing buddies who happen across the naked body of a woman. When they decide to spend the day fishing instead of contacting the police, suspicion is cast upon Byrne and his family. And the feel good hits just keep coming!
- American Cannibal: A documentary (or is it a satire or is it both?) about two comedy writers Dave Roberts and Gil S. Ripley pitching various reality show concepts. One idea gets the attention of the guy who marketed the Paris Hilton sex tape: Contestants will be sent to an island, led to believe that they have been abandoned and that one of them will be eaten.
- Fakers: Matthew Rhys in a 2003 British caper film just now being released in the States. Rhys plays Nick Edwards who owes 50,000 pounds to the wrong people and concocts a forgery scheme to make good.
- Wind Chill: Emily Blunt (The Devil Wears Prada) in a horror movie I’ve never heard of that was not submitted for critics… never a good sign.